Well it took some time[1] but after filling in gaps in my genetic code with frog DNA (and some cuttlefish) I have been brought back by the forces of InGen[2] to give you my review of Jurassic World. It’s been quite some time since the park was last opened and people have been eagerly awaiting a return to form to what was once the greatest special effects spectacle of its age. So let’s let the raptors out of their pin and surf a tidal wave of action on the back of a giant Mosasaur in the latest installment of The Good, The Bad, and The Pedantic.

The Good

How do you breathe new life into a franchise like Jurassic Park? While raptor attacks and T-Rex rescues are thrilling the first time you see them it can become hard to mix up the formula. Like Chris Pratt’s raptor-whisperer Owen Grady says to Bryce Dallas Howard’s beleaguered park administrator Claire Dearing, “They’re dinosaurs, wow enough” as if to highlight the audience’s growing apathy to the “classic” park attractions. Unfortunately for Owen we live in the age of SFX and no regular Dino will do the job, forcing the scientists at InGen (and animators on the special effects team) to come up with the monstrous hybrid Indominus Rex[3].

But before we get to all this action the first act of Jurassic World takes us through the titular park, which has become a mutant version of the animatronic filled Orlando theme park and SeaWorld’s Shamu-style Mosasaur tank[4]. After twenty-two years of talks of failed parks it’s refreshing to actually see one open in its prime with the same old T-Rex from the first film serving as a star attraction as well as little details like a Dino petting zoo where kids get to ride baby triceratops. Even the ever-looming specter of Jimmy Fallon on Jurassic World’s safety videos isn’t enough to scare away visitors[5].

While Owen and Claire serve as the more heroic forces on Isla Nublar our audience surrogates are brothers Zach and Gray Mitchell (Nick Robinson and Ty Simpkins) who are visiting their aunt Claire on the day when everything goes wrong. Jurassic Park has always been plagued with child actors constantly being put in danger. With the quality of child actions ranging from tolerable[6] to downright awful[7] Zach and Gray land firmly in the “I guess I care enough about these kids that they should probably not get eaten” category. Nevertheless you’ll always feel more saddened when a lovable herbivore gets chomped than any human casualty.

But we’re not here to see the humans we want dinosaurs! And if Jurassic World accomplishes nothing it comes up with a dizzying number of ways for Dino to eat Dino, Dino to eat human, or human to laughably think a stun gun will take down a Frankenstein’s T-Rex. The film never feels slow in setting up its characters that will inevitably become dinosaur food, and when the second act starts all hell breaks loose and we get the dinosaur attack action on a far grander scale than any previous film.

Like its predecessors Jurassic World concerns itself with the notion that people can control nature, which is exemplified by Owen’s introductory scene where he trains his quartet of raptors. If turning the raptors into some of film’s greatest horror monsters in the first Jurassic Park won’t ingratiate them with audiences then turning them into an elite pack of hunters always fighting for the biggest “alpha” will. Everything involving the raptors is gold despite the storyline’s predictability, but Jurassic Park isn’t about subverting audience expectations. It’s about prehistoric carnage.

The Bad

Unfortunately what Jurassic World possesses in meat it lacks in heart. It’s clear director Colin Trevorrow is using a Spielberg checklist when making his film. Precocious children constantly put in harm’s way? Check. Dangerous predator lurking just outside the protagonists’ (and audience’s) view? Check. Indiana Jones-like rogue railing against a military conspiracy while romancing a bossy broad? Check. Even the great white star of Spielberg’s prototypical monster movie[8] makes an appearance as a midday snack for the Mosasaur.

Jurassic World shows deference at any opportunity to the original film[9] while mocking its detractors[10], but it lacks the sense of wonder that came in 1993. Much like the unseen board members demanding more and more “scary and cool” Dinos, Jurassic World skips over the amazing vistas and gentle giants grazing in the fields to showcase thrilling scenes of its more monstrous creatures. There’s no sign of an incredible scene like in the original where Drs. Grant and Sattler see a herd of Brontosaurus towering above colossal trees. There is a small attempt to evoke the scene of the sick Triceratops with a fallen Apatosaurus but the moment is fleeting in a two-hour action film packed with carnivores terrorizing everything and everyone in their sight.

Nostalgia can be a double-edged sword in that when we try to evoke the works of art from our childhood the most memorable and crowd-pleasing pieces are always utilized[11] but the small parts that made up the original work’s soul are missing. Jurassic World is by no means a failure. The CGI work in the film helps it accomplish feats that even the groundbreaking original couldn’t touch and all of the pieces are there to warm any old fan’s heart but there isn’t enough to make the World seem as big as the original Park.

The Pedantic

(Spoilers on this part. Whiny, whiny spoilers…)

Or, the part where I put aside the part of myself that works at a natural history museum and just enjoy the dinosaurs eating people. It’s been twenty-two years since the first film and the only thing anyone ever has to contribute to a conversation about Jurassic Park is complaining about the anatomical incongruities of the dinosaurs. Yes, we now know Tyrannosaurus had head crests and the raptors presented in the film are closer to Utahraptor than Velociraptor but in the end this is a science fiction movie first and biological treatise second. I’m not saying we shouldn’t care about accuracy in our movies at all but I’ve always been a fan of putting drama before facts if the film isn’t based on a true story[12]. Though some kids may get an inaccurate entry point to the world of prehistoric beasts the museums and universities will be there to pick up the pieces if they’re really interested in the subject. Plus, once you’ve got something like Indominus Rex running around serial killing other dinosaurs authenticity has gone out the window.

But let’s talk about that iRex, who is the result of the greatest plague of the Jurassic Park films: dumb people. By necessity no Jurassic Park movie would exist without idiots insisting that they are the ones in control of nature. At least there is a secret plot by Vincent D’Onofrio’s security head Vic Hoskins to weaponize the dinosaurs for military use to justify the creation of a hyper-intelligent, camouflaging, Tyrannosaur-hybrid. It’s everyone else in charge of the park that refuses to evacuate park-goers or use lethal methods on the iRex that strains credibility. Claire is a particularly frustrating character for the majority of the movie because of her refusal to break away from the stock “stern businesswoman” stereotype in the face of common sense. Of course no one in their right mind would open a Jurassic World after the events of the first three films but this one is chock-full of people who seem to want to get eaten by dinosaurs. Luckily the idiocy of the humans gives the dinosaurs plenty of time to shine, which is all you can want from these films.

The Verdict

Jurassic World is the second best film of the series by virtue of knowing what worked in the original and milking its iconic scenes for all they’re worth. Even though it’s not original enough to measure up to the first[13] Jurassic World has dinosaurs tearing through everything in their path in cruel and unusual ways enough to hopefully turn a new generation dinosaur-crazy.

I give it three motorcycle-riding Velociraptors out of four. So, take Delta out of the equation, I guess.

[1] I spent most of the month recovering from Mad Max: Fury Road. I would write a review but I’m probably not going to shock the world with my assessment that it’s “quite good”.

[2] “In” standing for “Internet” and “Gen” standing for “Generic pop culture blog”.

[3] Like most absurdities in this film the iRex’s name is called attention to and immediately explained away as pandering to the complacent audiences, erm park-goers.

[4] Expect a Blackfish-esque documentary to come out soon on the majestic/terrifying sea creature.

[5] Note that despite four movies telling me how bad an idea this is I would buy a ticket to Jurassic Park without a second thought.

[6] “I know this!”—Immediately hacks advanced security system.

[7] Gymnast kicking Velociraptors vs. collecting T-Rex urine through unknown means; take your pick.

[8] No, not Richard Dreyfuss.

[9] And more than a fair share of scorn towards the despised third film in the form of a Spinosaurus skeleton.

[10] Jake Johnson’s tech-genius Lowery Cruthers is the film’s most reliable form of comic relief as he constantly picks apart the idiotic decisions that plagued earlier films. A particularly humorous scene between him and Claire involves a vintage t-shirt for the original Jurassic Park and whether or not it constitutes as tasteless.

[11] See: the abundance of lightsaber battles, Empire building, and Boba Fett backstory that fans wanted from the Star Wars prequels that were rendered moot without any of the humor, gravitas, or scenic tangibility of the original films.

[12] And oh, how I wish this was a true story.

[13] Which goes down as one of the Top Five Great Films of all-time.