• Lucasfilm: Ltd[1]
• Cut to: John William’s “Force Theme” playing dramatically over the background as a speeder travels across a planet that JJ Abrams says isn’t Tatooine but we’re just going to call it Tatooine anyway, because come on it’s totally Tatooine.[2]
• “The Force is strong in my family…”[3]
• “…My father has it…” as the long-burnt helmet of Darth Vader appears.[4]
• “…I have it…” a hooded figure with a cybernetic hand reaches to touch R2-D2.[5]
• “…My sister has it…” a small alien hand gives a lightsaber[6] to a young woman, who I’m assuming is Daisy Ridley’s character.[7]
• “…You have that power too.”[8]
• THIS CHRISTMAS[9]
• A montage shows a series of images including:
• X-Wings piloted by Oscar Isaac’s character[10] racing over a lake
• The new Darth Vader stand-in swinging that weird cross guard lightsaber
• Daisy Ridley’s character[11], John Boyega’s rebel Stormtrooper and the funny looking ball droid BB8 running away from explosions
• Darth Vader-lite doing some force moves in some Mordor-looking place[12]
• Stormtroopers showing off their new Nazi Imperial regalia
• Daisy Ridley looking at someone ominously[13]
• Spruced-up Tie Fighters flying by and then firing on Stormtroopers
• John Boyega ripping his Stormtrooper helmet off
• Some ships flying towards a new ship that looks suspiciously like a Star Destroyer
• A Stormtrooper in silver armor who appears to be the love child of Vader and Boba Fett walks ominously down a hallway[14]
• BB8 doing a Scooby-Doo lean around a corner
• Daisy Ridley helping John Boyega to his feet
• And finally a squadron of Tie Fighters chasing the Millennium Falcon into the remains of a destroyed Star Destroyer
• Cut to black[15]
• “Chewie…”[16]
• “…We’re home” “Chewbacca roar”[17]
• STAR WARS: The Force Awakens[18]

[1] I see they’re going for the Lucas logo instead of Disney’s right off the bat. You would figure Disney would want to brand recognition this out the wazoo.

[2] I don’t know how but John Williams’s music always gets to me. Oh cool, a crashed X-Wing I wonder what happened to cause it to—HOLY HELL A CRASHED STAR DESTROYER. I don’t even want to know how it crashed there, that’s just some beautiful background imagery to deepen the world in ways the prequels never did.

[3] For the first time in thirty-two years we hear Luke Skywalker talk about the Force. I’m not sure if this is the original dialogue from Return of the Jedi or Mark Hamill putting his voice acting skills to recreate his younger voice perfectly but it just feels right.

[4] Judging by the present tense of “my father has it” I’m guessing this is the original dialogue from Return of the Jedi. Either that or we’re going to be seeing Darth Vader in the flesh once again, which would be…actually kind of lame to say the least.

[5] Ooh, maybe this is our first shot of Luke in the new film. It would make sense with the line spoken, after all. But at least we get to see R2, right? Who doesn’t love R2? Monsters, that’s who!

[6] From everything I’ve read this is Anakin’s final and Luke’s first blue lightsaber. Not saying that it wouldn’t be a big moment for it to pass on to another generation but Skywalkers have never really had any luck with that particular saber.

[7] And so we have the passing of the torch onto the next generation of Star Wars protagonists. Wouldn’t it be great if the main Jedi character in these movies was finally a woman?

[8] Since this is on a black screen with no one else indicated I’m assuming Luke is telling me that I have the Force. Finally after years of pretending to open grocery store automatic doors with my mind I am vindicated!

[9] Oh great, only seven more months of self-indulgent articles about the next Star Wars to slog through.

[10] Giving the required Star Wars “Woo-hoo!”

[11] I mean, come on she’s got to be a Skywalker or a Solo. My money’s on Solo.

[12] And seriously guys, stop complaining about the lightsaber, it’s already been explained by a credible source.

[13] And so begins Daisy Ridley’s career as the object of creepy nerds’ affections forever.

[14] Also, for your own sanity never Google Darth Vader/Boba Fett lovechild. Star Wars fans are a lonely and imaginative breed.

[15] Well that was all almost too much to handle at once. Hopefully we’ll get some footage of the old cast at some—

[16] Wait, are they going to—

[17] AAAAAH! –cries-

[18] Truth be told I held it together much better than I thought I would.